This week I walked into my momma’s room and she was asleep. I stood before her in silence expecting her to sense my presence. She did not. As I approached her I touched her arm and she opened her light-green eyes. Momma's eyes have loved on me for 53 years. And I have to say her eyes have actually adored me, spoiled me, showed me unconditional love, laughed with me and cried with me. But today those same eyes looked at me and did not know me.
I sat with my momma for several hours today. At times, we sat in silence and at times we sat in a confused state of meaningless words. But what a great day because she was there and so was I.
I often have this same experience in my own mind and heart: either I have no words to speak or too many words to get out of my head. It seems I’m either sitting before the Lord in silence or babbling to Him in concentric circles. Is this old age? Or is this just life with a husband recently out of the hospital, a sick and elderly momma, full-color life with a high school Senior, and life with a son in college 1000 miles away? Is this just my condition? I think we all have this malady on occasion. And recently I’ve come to believe it’s a blessing.
Last night, I lay in bed and listened…to the silence. I literally heard no sound at all other than the sound of me…my breath, that funny sound in our ears when all around us is silent, a random dog bark, a house creak…beautiful silence.
But there are times when my head feels as though thoughts rush and race at a frantic pace, fighting for my attention, refusing to slow down, and in such a hurry they bump and tumble into each other. My times of prayer become a race around the world of thought with no clear sentence or thought sequence seemingly able to reach to throne room of God.
And it’s in these days I remember,
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will.
There is no right or wrong, good or bad in my thoughts offered to God or in my silence offered to God, words or no words. Do I love sitting with my momma in silence? Yes. Do I love listening to my momma talk in circles? Yes. I love it because she’s my momma and I’m her girl. She’s mine and I’m hers which is all that matters.
So it is with our God. Silence or babbling. He’s mine and I’m His…beautiful.