13 July, 2010

A Confession

I want to confess some things:
I’m preachy
I write and talk as though I have all the answers
I’m fully spoiled in my lifestyle
My words come easy but often my lifestyle does not reflect them
I like my independence and not having to rely on anyone else
I like the comforts of my life, especially air conditioning (some of you over 50 women will totally get this one!)
I become upset when I don’t get my way
I get angry when my car is in the shop and I’m inconvenienced
I’m selfish
I don’t love unconditionally

Yesterday, I got to church with many of these feelings and shortcomings swirling around inside me. Saturday, I ‘lost’ my car for 2 weeks as my son was borrowing it and he’s lives out of state. I am dependent on sharing now. I strongly dislike not having my car. It’s a major issue, don’t you think? And for some reason, I had also been thinking about a mission trip I took last summer to the Appalachian area in Kentucky. It was a week of difficult living from our housing, to the weather, to the restrooms. The group determined that I was ‘high maintenance’ and I agreed! I’m not too flexible. I like my comforts.

But yet, I write about serving, mission, going into the world. My words and actions are not matching up.

On Sunday, our pastor preached on Luke 9: 20, 23
Verse 20 reads,"But what about you?" he asked. "Who do you say I am?" Peter answered, "The Christ of God."
Verse 23, Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.
Who do you say that I am? Deny yourself. These two phrases struck a deep chord in me. For I say and I write that He is indeed the Christ. But I live without denying myself. So much of what I do, how I love, how I serve is all about me. I’m not denying myself at all. I work God into my self-serving lifestyle and convince myself that I’m living for Him. Our family owns four cars; surely one of them can go and be used by a person in need. How embarrassing and humbling to see how very selfish and needy I am.
And yet, He loves me. He died for me. He has a plan for me. He is the Christ. He is the lover of my soul. He is my deliverer. He teaches a hard but freeing lesson in His Word.

“Who do you say I am? Deny yourself, take up your cross daily and follow me.”

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